mistake?

She sits.
She stares.
She doubts.
She doubts her doubts.
Red rings circle sage green eyes.
Her hand lies deep in one pocket
Tracing the sleek lines of that
Evil black box.
It lies still.
Still as the dead beat of her heart.
That shriveled up organ that sits in her chest.
It betrays her any chance it gets.

She stands.
If only for a little while.
She paces.
She calms.
She doubts again.
How can something dead and shriveled
Ache so badly?

The journey that ends at the beginning.

I have an obsession with the morbidly beautiful things in life. The way a wilting flower seems to curl in on itself, creating a sculpture of the very essence of hopelessness. The first trickle of blood from a fresh wound, its vibrant color staining the skin. The fact that my soul seems to crave a dose of pain with each pleasure I seek. I can’t help but love the things that hurt. Winter is here and every beautiful tree projects an image of death. They appear to be dead and decaying on the outside but are actually alive and waiting for spring. I am the opposite. I appear to be alive, living my life on the outside but inside I’m an empty cave, rotting away from the inside out.

I think that I have made a habit out of choosing the paths in life that I know are wrong. Choosing to travel the path that I know will hurt along the way until I am looped back to where I started. Each time I end up at the beginning, I choose this same path. It is disguised as something different each time, with different heartache along the way. But I always choose it. The journey that ends at the beginning.

insomnia.

You know that feeling you get when your creative juices start flowing? The one that quickens your pulse and starts a frenzie in your soul? The urge to create is in my blood. I could compare the feeling to the way my heart swells when I hear the melding of notes and tones and pitches in certain songs: The Wanting Comes in Waves--The Decemberists, The Funeral-- Band of Horses, Non-Believer--La Rocca, Wish You Were Here--Incubus, Naive--The Kooks, Sky-- Joshua Radin...
I could keep going, but the point is; this blog is going to be an outlet for that crazy feeling I get every now and then. The one that makes me so hyped up that I can't fall asleep and end up on the computer until 4:00am. yeah that feeling. I can't be the only one who experiences this, can I?