My "Little Voice" is Defective

You know how everyone has their little voice in their head that tells them what to do, what to say, and what not to do and say?

I think mine is defective. It works... but sporadically. Instead of talking to me in a soothing and encouraging tone, it blurts things out in a panicked pitch.

I like to think that most of the time, I'm pretty conscientious of the "right thing" and the "wrong thing". I never have a problem with morals. I do however, have a problem my my little voice making me look like a bumbling insecure idiot.

Almost twice a week, sometimes more often, my voice will blurt out a joke and I'll say it out loud... and then when I don't get a great response to the joke, my voice will shout "OH MY GOSH YOU HAVE TO FIX THIS NOW. Try this, I promise it will make the situation better!"

And then I try whatever remedy my voice wants, usually a long, dull, and awkward explanation of the joke. And every time, it makes the situation worse. And then my voice will compensate by telling me to go on the offensive... which I think we all know, never goes over well.

Me: "We should totally watch So You Think You Can Dance this week!"
Jordan: "I don't need to. I already know all the dances. Ever."
My little voice: Ask him to show you how to do a fancy dance he's never heard of!
Me: Oh yeah (smugly) then show me the VietnameseWaltz!!
Uncle Paul: ............. Vietnamese? It's Viennese... like Vienna...
My little voice: ABORT! Tell him you know what you're talking about and that it's not your fault the people on the show pronounced it wrong! OFFENSIVEEE!

And well.... you can guess the rest.



Twitch and Kherrington from SYTYCD doing a Vietnamese Waltz



My voice is usually the reason for my inexplicable clumsiness too. Without my voice I would probably be able to walk passed someone in the hallway with minimal awkwardness and moderate grace. But with my voice, this would be a more accurate account:

Me: walking along in a straight line, see a person. Smile, "Oh hello."
Person: "Hey, Morning." walks passed me.

VOICE: "Turn that way!! He totally thinks you're a loser for being weird and smiling so big and waving for too long!"

Me: Awkwardly look away and walk fast around a corner and bump into a different person.

VOICE: "Oh my gosh now the first person thinks you're crazy and a loser and this new person is totally judging you for being clumsy. Way to go!"

Me: Sink into a dark twisty abyss.

If you think I'm joking about this I'm totally not. My voice actually says stuff like this to me.

One day I'll rise above my little voice!



Ninja me, getting ready to kick some little voice ass