Wonderings.

I wonder how long it's going to take for my cynicism to make me explode.
I wonder how long I can "stick it out" before I break down.
I wonder how long I can stay quiet.
I wonder how long I can pretend to care.
I wonder how long it would take me to forget how I feel.
I wonder how long I can deny that I'm headed in the wrong direction.
I wonder how I let my self become an outcast?

Insert clever title here.

Post started on Wednesday. I never got around to finishing it... also, sorry about the random photos... I don't know what I was thinking.
 

Since my mom and I are moving to the new house really soon, my mom said that I should pack up all the stuff in my room today in boxes. There's not much stuff in there so I knew it wouldn't be a difficult job, but nonetheless, I wanted to start early and get it done in a timely, organized fashion.

I woke up this morning around 10:00am and made myself a couple of eggo waffles. Those things have crack in them (just like odwalla). I sat in my bed eating my waffles and watching Veronica Mars on netflix. I glanced at the clock and promised myself that I would start packing after this episode and after I finished eating.

But after I finished watching the episode, I kind of just clicked the "next" button. One more, I told myself. At 11:30 I started thinking about what I would make myself for lunch. I went through the freezer and found some particularly appetizing leftovers and popped them in the microwave. I'll start packing at 1:00, I told myself.

Around 2:30, and about 5 Veronica Mars episodes later, I finally started packing. But I kind of cheated. I set up blankets and pillows on my floor, propped my laptop up on a file box and queued another V. Mars episode while I worked. I also made myself an iced coffee.

So I guess you can look at me in one of two ways. One, you can say that I'm incredibly lazy and sloth-like, or two, I'm incredibly inventive and efficient at getting large tasks done in small amounts of time while still enjoying a few creature-comforts. Go with option two. It'll make both of us feel better.

My mom keeps telling me that I have to write about procrastination. And I guess this is probably as good an opportunity as any. I'm probably the worst procrastinator you'll ever meet. People always say they procrastinate worse than everyone else but it's really true for me. I mean, how many people do you know, that would wait until their car is basically nonfunctional (as in on the edge of exploding and killing them in a transmission related hellfire of doom) before they even began planning to get it fixed?

There ya go mom. Procrastination mentioned.

Although I guess you can't really call me a procrastinator since I finished my Ethics midterm tonight when it's not due until Friday afternoon! Burn. I don't know who I'm burning....but they're burned.


So now it's Thursday. I started this post last night. I have to stop doing this. Starting a post and then finishing it the next day. It makes it kind of difficult to finish when all of the time references are off.

I just got out of class and I'm laying in my bed right now shivering because I'm too lazy to shut off my fan and shut my window. I'm all bundled up instead. Playing around with my window is really annoying because the shade is broken. I have to stand on a chair and roll it up by hand to get it up. And when I pull it down it just falls all the way down to the floor. obnoxious shade.

 So now it's Friday. I think I feel guilty posting short blogs so I tell myself I'll finish it later and then never get around to it for days... 

Tonight I'm enjoying a nice night to myself. Just laying in bed, drinking way too much coffee, watching Veronica Mars, sketching, and pretending that my life is interesting like Veronica's, and that people would be interested if they watched a TV show based on my life. Which is false. But hey, a girl can pretend to make herself feel better right?


Well here are some interesting tidbits. Jordan and I were in Walmart today (I like how spell check doesn't recognize the name of a multibillion dollar corporation... it also recognized "multimillion" but not "multibillion"...) and this little kid was being pushed past the lingerie section in a carriage by his mother. The little boy kept shouting "MOM. I see double D's!!" While the mother kept shushing him. The toddler, of course, refused to stop informing his mother of the fact that he saw double D's in what can only be described as his "outside voice". Needless to say, Jordan and I had a lot of fun laughing at the expense of the embarrassed, large chested mother.

Another semi-interesting thing that I heard today: Jordan said that she once heard someone describe Dunkin Donuts' apple cider as "like making out with an apple pie"

Also, Julie just gave me this little golden nugget: " I found out I'm allergic to shrimp juice."

I'm so eloquent...kinda

I haven't posted in a while. I've been so unbelievably busy... I still have a mountain of homework to do but most of it isn't due any time soon so I can pretend it doesn't exist for a bit.

So I'm going to start with some good news. My amazing brother, Brandon, agreed to put some transmission fluid in my car on Saturday and my car is behaving wonderfully! I'm pretty sure this means that it's not going to explode and kill me in a rampaging spontaneous combustion episode :) All I have to do now is figure out if there's a transmission fluid leak, how bad it is, and where it's coming from and hopefully my car will be ship shape again.

I was just thinking about the car and the name Ursula popped into my head.... I feel like that may be my car's name...

Ursula's bad ass tramp stamp

This weekend has been kind of crazy. I'm really glad that I have today to relax. We got the new house painted and I'm really pumped about the color of my room. It's a sage green and it's so pretty!

I'm sitting at home right now, waiting for my mom to get back from work so I can be like "SURPRISE I'M HOME!"  My class got canceled tomorrow which means I'll be enjoying at 5 day weekend :)

I decided to come back to Clinton today to look for some pieces for my homemade weird girl from The Breakfast Club Halloween costume. I didn't find anything but I did see this while walking down High Street in the center of Clinton. I couldn't help myself it was just gorgeous. And there I go with the "morbidly beautiful" again.

My mom just got home and apparently seeing my car in the driveway gave her a heart attack instead of a pleasant surprise. She thought I was home because something was wrong. Epic fail on my part.

So after I calmed my mom down we gave Beau a bath because he had a "poop skirt". It's like a hoop skirt except poop. Basically when he has a belly ache his fur on his bum gets.... well kind of gross. We cleaned him up this afternoon. So while he was in the bath my mom asked if I could give him a hair cut to get rid of the offending fur... you're probably thinking "Well she's trained in grooming, that should be easy" But you're wrong.

If you've ever groomed a dog, you know that, even under the best possible circumstances, it can be a disaster. And believe me, I've had some disastrous grooming experiences.

Once in my intermediate grooming class, my group had just finished bathing a particularly monstrous sized lab. Getting him out of the tub took three people because he was so enormous and unwilling to cooperate. When we went to put him in a cage with a blow dryer, he freaked out and refused to go in. He trashed about, shoving his body backwards and away from the crate, all the while getting more and more stressed. We asked the professor if it was absolutely necessary for us to put him in the crate. She told us that we had to keep trying despite the fact that the dog was clearly stressed beyond belief, purple tongue and everything. His sheer massive size had created problems handling him before, but add that to the fact that he was now soaking wet and pissed off and you have a dog who is not going into that fucking cage.

The final straw came when the dog, stressed out to the max, finally lost control of his bowels. And being me, with the worst luck and coordination ever, I slipped and knelt in it. I was so angry that I started berating the professor, who finally gave in and told us to stop trying to shove the oversize dog into a crate. I left the class early that day without even saying anything I was so angry/mortified/overwhelmed.

Today with Beau wasn't quite that bad. But it was comical. I don't have a pair of clippers at my house so I wasn't able to do anything close to a professional job on him. But I tried. I basically just took a pair of scissors and started hacking away at the fur on Beau's butt. And now he has a clean bum and he's happy :)

Beau after I gave him a butt trim

A random digression.

Sometimes I wonder whether the animal science major is the right path for me.

I was sitting in my microbiology class, listening to my professor speak about DNA and genes. He broke  DNA down so far that it was hardly recognizable anymore. A gene that signifies a trait such as eye color became a sequence of random letters. In my opinion, science takes the poetry out of life.

I'm a firm believer in scientific research (in all aspects) but I'm beginning to feel, and not for the first time, that my heart really isn't in it.

I think that part of the reason I was feeling this way is that I have an aversion to looking too deeply into things. I know knowledge is power, but how far can you go, breaking your world down, before you ruin the sum of the parts, which are so beautiful when appreciated the way they are intended to be.

In English classes, they give you an enchanting poem to read. But instead of appreciating it the way it was meant to be, by noticing it's phonetic beauty, the teacher would have you chop it into pieces, looking for stanzas and rhyme schemes, and themes and hidden meanings that the artist may or may not have even intended you to see. I always rebelled against dissecting poetry. It would ruin it for me. It turns a magnetic work of art into a bunch of incomplete and meaningless pieces.

Education these days is so focused on the non-artful and routine.Thank goodness I have the Theatre Club at Becker because if I didn't I'd be going insane for lack of creative outlets.

 Okay, now that I've gotten the serious rant out of my system...

I don't know what I was thinking with this one. It was late...

So Facebook isn't working right now and I'm pretty sure there's going to be a riot. Especially since I haven't posted yet today and the natural second choice for a lot of you would be to read my fantastical blog. Wow, fantastical is actually a word that spell check recognizes.... What is our world coming to? We really aren't off to a good start if the fact that facebook isn't working is such a cause for a riot. Julie says that she thinks it's because "mark zucherberg decided it would be funny to have 500 million people all go into hysterics when their fb stopped working"

It's almost as bad as that time that the dining hall served roasted turnips and everyone thought they were potatoes... mass chaos.

I for serious just went to check my facebook page. But I can't. Because facebook is FUCKED. It's actually kind of heart breaking watching the tab where facebook should be in my browser trying so hard to load, but failing so miserably. I feel kind of empty every time I stop typing my blog and instinctively go to check my facebook but it's not there...

I shouldn't even care that facebook isn't loading anyway. I should be working on the enormous Brain and Behavior packet that was supposed to be due on Thursday. I got an extension on it by badgering the professor for some extra time because I hadn't even started it and was going crazy thinking about doing it in basically one day. Yeah I should be working on that. But I'm not. I'm blogging. And worrying about the fact that facebook is being lame sauce.

I'm actually at home right now because I have no class (kind of, I'm skipping one class and the other got canceled) tomorrow and I have a ton of stuff I need to get done. I wonder if I'll actually get any of it done. I have a panic attack just thinking about taking my car to a mechanic but if I don't want to die when it explodes on me, I should probably get on that. And my phone has been shutting off every 10 minutes lately so I wanted to go to the Verizon store down the street to complain and be like "Give me a new phone BITCH" but that also gives me a certain amount of anxiety. Although not as much as the car thing. Because if I wanted to, I could live with my phone shutting off for a while. My car stalling and being crazy and not working however, I cannot live with.

Just checked to see if facebook is working again. It's not.

FUCK I messed with the font in this post and I don't know how to fix it. Well... if you're reading this and all the font is different, then you'll know I never figured it out...

My mom is going to be angry at the amount of "f-bombs" I've dropped in this post.

Did I mention I'm half asleep and I apologize for the CRAZY flow (meaning non-flow) of this post?

YES I figured out the text. HTML is obnoxious. For serious. So all the text should be the same font now. YAY.

BAH facebook is finally working!

I think I'll share some pictures with you.

My cat Izzy. She's hiding in some pillows. She does that. Sometimes I'll sit on my bed and then the bump that I thought was a bunch of blankets will meow.

My nachos                              Jordan's nachos

Jordan and I had nachos one day. Further proof of how I am absolutely NOT a perfectionist.

On this day I got a beer and a kids meal. I was over 21 and under 13 at the same time. Great day.

Because setting them on fire once didn't seem to do the trick.

Jordan kept kicking me away and then posed to make it look like I was just ruining the picture on purpose.

GAH HTML really sucks. It keeps putting random spaces in this post that I never put. And the font just randomly went back to the crazy non matching thing... thank goodness I found out what the "remove formatting" button does tonight!

They started singing and I set them on fire.

Okay so I've got my iced coffee and muffin. Now it's time to blog...and try not to suck.

So I just completely revamped the "I have no doubt one day the sun will come out" post and now all you have to do is click on the song and it will bring you to the youtube video so you have no choice but to listen to the songs. So DO IT. And then comment about how they make you feel :) 

 I'm definitely loving the weather today. I walked over to Dunkin to get my coffee because I wanted to walk across the Leicester town common because its all Autumny and gorgeous. Fall is by far my favorite season. I love when the temperature goes way down and it gets windy but not freezing. If I could pick a season to live in all year round it would be fall. I especially love running around stepping on all the crunchy leaves during fall. There's something so exciting about it... people usually think I'm kind of crazy when I try to explain why stepping on crunchy leaves is so thrilling for me... So I won't attempt to explain it.

So last night, at the rehearsal from hell, we choreographed my favorite song ever. Okay false, it's my least favorite song ever. "We Go Together" from Greese. I literally would rather jump off a cliff than listen to this song. It's like, while they were writing that song they said "What is the most annoying thing we can do with this song? Oh I got it! We'll stick a bunch of stupid, impossible to remember gibberish in there, and then we don't have to write the lyrics anyway!" While we were on break after practicing "You can't stop the beat" the choreographer was playing "We go together" Almost all of the other dancers were singing along and smiling and talking about how much they love the song. I was facing away from the choreographer, smiling a serial killer smile, miming shooting myself in the face.

They started singing and I set them on fire. 

And the best part was that the choreographer made us think that we were in for easy choreography. FALSE. During the worst part of the song, where they are no real words at all, and ONLY gibberish, the tempo of the dancing is so fast that I could barely keep up, let only keep up and sing the song. Forget about looking and sounding good while doing all of this now.

And even better than that? I have had the song stuck in my head since last night. So of course I've been walking around going "Chang chang changity chang chi bop! Dipty dipty dip, shoobopie dobie do! Rama rama lama da dingity dingy dong!" And then wishing I were brain dead rather than have this song in my head.

It's okay though. I'm keeping my sights set on "Cell Block Tango" from Chicago. That will make up for everything. And we get to go see "Wicked!" in Boston a week from tomorrow.

...sorry

I just got back from rehearsal and two hours of dancing really takes a lot out of you. Especially when you forget to eat dinner! So I'm too tired to really write a post tonight. So I'll leave you with this:

Thanks Mr. Obvious Cleaner Spay Bottle, I was actually intending to drink your contents. Good thing you warned me not to.

If someone can tell me what the hell this sign means, I'll make them a sandwich.

I actually had "I want my SANDwich    X" written on my white board when I got back to school today....weird.

Don't forget that there are new drawings in the "artsy stuff" page as of yesterday. And remember to keep up to date on my posts!

Happy Birthday Mom... sorry I killed your dog.

Just brought my dogs to Dexter Drumlin, which is a big field in Lancaster donated to the town especially for dogs. You don't have to leash dogs there so my wild and crazy Jane gets to run free. It's pretty much the only thing that will tire her out for a few minutes (running at full speed for 15 minutes straight). And then of course on the way back I got myself an iced coffee. I'll update later on whether or not I spill it.

But while I was walking around the back side of the hill at Dexter today, I saw a random glove with some dog treats on it in the middle of the grass. Of course Beau ran over to them and started inhaling them before I could say "LEAVE ITTT!!!" I started panicking. Who leaves random treats in the middle of a field? What if they're poisoned? Oh shit my mom is going to killlll me if I poisoned her dog the day before her birthday! I started having daymares (Nightmares during the day? Why the hell not?) about us having to call poison control and them saying that they don't cover dogs and then having to go to the vet and how much of a pain in the ass that would be because we still haven't found a vet out near our new house and that we still see Metrowest Vet in Milford. We should probably get on that......

So I kept walking, panicking about some evil poisoned-treat leaving maniac who poisoned my mom's dog the day before her birthday. I figured I'd call her and explain the situation and ask her if I should bring Beau to the vet. And not once during this panic walk did I think "Hey, there are a lot of loose dogs that come through here... maybe I should go pick up the random sketch treats so some other owner doesn't have to go through this..." But no, I'm not that intelligent.

If the walk back to my car was a movie, there would have been some really dramatic music playing. And the path in the field would have gotten realllllly long, like hallways always do in scary movies. And then I'd start walking faster and faster until finally I was forced to break into a run, carrying my mom's dog in my arms. My voice would break into the epic musical montage as I whispered words of encouragement to the sickly dog.

"Hang in there Beau! Don't give up on me now! Don't let the random sketch treats win!"

A single tear would trace its way down my cheek..

And this is where I explain what actually happened.

As I approached the road where my car was parked, I saw this lady with a Springer Spaniel puppy hooked up to a really fucking long leash. My boisterous dogs bounded over to the puppy, greeting her in the only way they know how. Janie barked really loud and ran around the puppy like the crack-head she is. Beau laid down in front of the puppy and stared at her without blinking.

The puppy's owner freaked out "Are they friendly???!!!" She yelled over to me in a voice of shear panic.

This is what I wanted to say to that: "No. They're vicious. I let them off the leash in public so that they will rip people and their puppies apart so that I can point and laugh at the mangled pieces of their bodies."

This is what I actually said: "Yes, I wouldn't let them off leash if they weren't." Stupid people make me angry. And this woman got even worse.

Stupid Lady: "They didn't eat any treats did they?"
Me: "What?
Stupid Lady: "I set some tracking points for my puppy, a couple gloves with treats for her to find on the ground."
This is when I stopped panicking and got angry that someone would be so stupid to leave treats on the ground of a dog park and expect them not to get eaten when people bring their dogs off leash to this place all the time.
Me: I didn't see any of them... I don't think they ate any treats...
Stupid Lady: Oh okay, you would have seen them if they ate them.
(Obviously Stupid Lady forgot that my dogs weren't on the leash and that they were running free and that I wasn't watching every little thing that they touched on the ground because they run like maniacs and I couldn't possibly see everything.)
At this point I walked away. Stupid Lady was annoying me. And I was extremely relaxed now that I knew I hadn't poisoned my mom's dog the day before her birthday. 

Beau- Mom's almost poisoned, stares a lot dog

Janie- My crack-head dog

I have no doubt, one day the sun will come out.

I miss pretty daisy weather :(

Brother brother we all see
You're hiding out so painfully.
See yourself come out to play.
A lover's rain will wash away
Your envy and your fear.
So have no envy, no fear.
~Joshua Radin






It's gotten to that time of the season when it rains for days and I can see that it's definitely been affecting people's moods. Especially my own. I find myself reverting to the way I usually get when I'm depressed...even though I'm not. I'm actually really happy with the way things are going in my life right now, except for a couple things that I want but can't have : /...but I'm getting over that. So I should probably stop brooding and listening to sad music because I'm not sad... I'm blaming it on the depressing weather.

So remember the other day when I said that I had written the word "rain" in my notebook but couldn't remember what I wanted to say about the rain? I remembered! It had started to rain shortly after I had cut my nails, but I didn't realize that it was raining out. I just heard this weird noise. I went searching frantically around my room trying to find the noise (because I can't sleep with any weird noises happening). I threw away some pieces of paper and random shuffly noise things that I thought maybe my fan was blowing around. But nothing seemed to stop the noise. Then finally, I looked out the window and saw that it was raining and recognized the noise as water coming out of the gutter and onto the roof of the cafeteria below my window. I'm so silly.

I updated the Insomnia Playlist! Be cool like me and listen to these songs for inspiration!

 1. The Funeral- Band of Horses*
 2. Non Believer- La Rocca*
 3. Wish You Were Here- Incubus
 4. Sky- Joshua Radin
 5. Naive- The Kooks (FYI my mom told me that she doesn't like The Kooks because they sound like the type of guys who would be wearing skinny jeans, white button down shirts, and black skinny ties. um... mom you were a beatles groupie back in the day were you not?)
 6. Lovers in Japan- Coldplay
 7. I Will Follow You into the Dark- Death Cab For Cutie
 8. Sing Theresa Says- Greg Laswell
 9. Polaris- Jimmy Eat World
10. Huddle Formation- The Go! Team
11. Speeding Cars- Imogen Heap*
12. Dig- Incubus
13. Work- Jimmy Eat World
14. Who Says- John Mayer
15. No Envy No Fear- Joshua Radin*
16. New Slang- The Shins
17. Kill- Jimmy Eat World
18. Casimir Pulaski Day- Sufjan Stevens*
19. World Spins Madly On- The Weepies

I feel like all of the songs bring out such strong emotional responses for me. I wonder if it's true for other people as well? Listen to some of them and let me know. The ones with stars next to them are the ones that bring out especially strong emotions in me. So start with those first and then let me know! Seriously though I really would love to find out if others experience similar feelings when listening to these songs or if it's just me and the way my brain interprets things (because we know how different my brain works than most!) or maybe my experiences and associations that my brain has made? Even if you don't want to take part in my little experiment, I do suggest listening to these songs. But I do encourage you to tell me if you experience an emotional response to any of the songs.

And now that I've convinced all of you once and for all that I'm absolutely crazy...